I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
