Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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