there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
