mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
