I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
