Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I cannot find my penis.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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