OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize