my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
