I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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