I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
