I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
