The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
