Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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