im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
