Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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