chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
