I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
