his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
