Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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