Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
don't judge my taste in strippers
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize