my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
