My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
