pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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