Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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