I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
