I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
