apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
