genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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