so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
