no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
