is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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