my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
NoShamevember. You game?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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