I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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