I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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