If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
