my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
