not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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