Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
