Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
