If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize