Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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