how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
