There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
