Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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