Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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