its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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