Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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