I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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