You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
