I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
