Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
