mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
