Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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