he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
