I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
