the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
