That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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