dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There r osticjed everywhere
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
