Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
