You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
