Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
