wakey wakey hands off snakey
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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