I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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