my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
