i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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