That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
