he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize