LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
