We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
