she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
