OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
