So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
