woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
